Kanani (i_lovefallingup) wrote,

You met me at a very strange time in my life

I don't like people touching me.

I'm not rude, lots of people I"ve noticed are awfully touchy, hands on shoulders when moving past or hands on top of my hand when making a point or whatever. I don't recoil or scoff or react negatively- I used to be very affectionate and I know that while we all know not everyone likes that, it can be a kind of rejection and that hurts whether expected or not.

Also hugging. Everyone hugging me goodbye or hello. This I also do not disengage or show my dislike, because hugs are a show of care and I may be uninterested and disconnected but I can appreciate the gesture none the less (and again, I used to insist on hugging every person I ever came across, in introductions even instead of shaking hands I brought it in for the real thing, so I again am polite enough to avoid making the other person uncomfortable- I may actually feel guilty if I ruined it for them).

I do not like it.

Despite how much I've begun to loathe the touching I am not rude.

And when I put ID bracelets on patients, I even give them an extra "squeeze", if you will, while saying "Thank you". Something about hoping the gesture relays assurance and makes them more comfortable because no one likes being in an ER and it can be a very vulnerable and personal experience (one which I do not feel qualified to be apart of as I am there for paper work and insurance what not, the paper side of the health business versus the treating).

I don't know if because the gesture isn't exactly genuine if it counts and shows anything, but still, an effort.

I may not be connected or interested in connecting but I do not need to be rude.

Just as I am not very excited about anything. Not only could I of grown out of my past interested and passions but I have no intention of looking into others. I am unmoved by everything. And just because I seemed to have "lost" my joy in things doesn't mean that I am rude or condescending or down play others' joy and passions.

I can be apathetic, but that doesn't mean I have to be rude.

I am on the way to Dallas this afternoon to go be with Koa for the weekend. We have IM3, arcade and mini golf, and night swimming.

It's a little humorous, someone who is dead inside trying to fix my dead inside. He vaguely remembers my old super-bouncy self and he seems to quietly try and bring that back in me a little, I suppose.

I almost didn't want this dynamic anymore- Koa, I mean. He has some questionable ways of doing things with other people that I don't support and it caused me to confront him and have a serious talk and call him on some bullshit and, quite frankly, I do not enjoy such indepth talks. That's been one of the perks of our "friendship", that this wasn't something that happened.

But, alas. Apathetic but not completely careless and it seemed I was the only one that was going to point out he's being a douche and so, well, my responsibility (made more certain when his actions caused other people distress).

Honestly it wasn't even very caring or friendly. I mainly said "You're gonna need to stop that. No one likes that guy. I'm not interested in your excuses or explanations. I need you to not do that anymore. Why this is even a conversation, I don't know, but you're causing me stress and being uncomfortable and for the love of gawd can you not this bullshit anymore kthx".

So, we'll see how that goes. Or if I can avoid it, in the very least (I could not, this time, as I for whatever reason was sent anon messages through tumblr about him being a dick, somewhat bitching and warning me against getting too deep. And while normally, you'd chalk this up to a crazy or jilted hell-hath-no-fury person, this was a little too true and not at all surprising behavior bitched/warned about. So, had to be done).

It resulted in a bit of a fight between Koa and I, because he was defensive and I am no good at words and do not at all like arguments because they tend to go off on tangent after tangent after tangent (disagreeable conversations, this is what they are, because if you agreed the conversation would be 90% less to be said) and we haven't really "been the same" since.

This doesn't bother me aside from being a little concerned I was a little rude or that this is an awkward quit period before it comes back up again, because unresolved things can do that (People say "Y'know what I'm DONE talking about this lets move on" but they rarely ever mean it- they just mean for the time then they were tired of talking, not that they won't talk about it again or that it won't continue to affect the dynamic) which is uncomfortable because I really, really do not like talking.


I don't like people touching me, and hopefully my Koa-trip is as bland and lukewarm as I was hoping it would be.
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