Kanani (i_lovefallingup) wrote,

Blame it on bad luck.

So, it's been a while.

I pretty much don't talk to anyone anymore. Like any friendships I had just kind of ended with 2011.

I did that. I decided to fall off the face of the earth, cut all the ties- I just want to be alone.

So I stopped answering my phone, picked fights so they'd leave me alone, etc.

Kinda just hung around on twitter a lot. Neglected real people.

It probably wasn't the right thing (especially since I had promised never be such a douche to my friends) but meh. Was gonna go through a rough patch eventually.

I'm not really out of it yet either. I'm still depressed as fuck and I don't really care to interact or connect with people.

The Glass Can Only Spill What It Contains and I've got nothing to spill back on anyone.

Slowly trying, though. New meds, for one.

Dallas plans, also. Go be around Koa and see if I can keep getting my head closer to the surface with him around. Or not. It's whatever- I've stopped caring about curing my attitude for a while now, these efforts are just because I feel like I should. Koa is the closest thing i have to a "friend" even though I don't think we're that close with each other . But thats what I like about Dallas- no feeling or responsibility to social expectations or anything. Quiet. And I like Koa. We don't say things much and he's not interested in fucking me. I like that. Its easy and quiet and he doesn't expect anything from me. He's ok people. I don't have to talk much. I like that.

I've just kind of let it all go, is all. I won't even fake anything to make this less awkward or socially acceptable and more forgivable or worry about being judged or worrying anyone who wasn't around to notice.

I got done and if that bugged my loves, that sucks. I'm sorry. I hope you have better luck next time with someone less tired. Lets be honest, I'm pretty easy to replace and if you miss me you're only missing the idea or haven't gotten around to seeing how interchangeable I was. Trust me on this, this isn't a lack of self esteem or self confidence this is how my social relationships were. No matter how much love and closeness and bonding, it's been almost two years and whoever my friends are these days isn't who they were back then so more than likely I'd be like shoving the square peg into the circle if we tried to "get it back". Especially considering if you really, REALLY look at what being my friend meant for you, you'll notice I demanded and needed a lot and didn't really know what I was doing. Those aren't very attractive qualities, I'd hope your standards are higher now. Mine are (haha j/k I dont have any standards for friends aside from no and can you not).

I'm much less silly now. Take what is here today and when it's gone learn your lesson love your memories and let it be. I'm not very nostalgic or sentimental these days.

Did I mention I'm tired. New job new place new dynamic its been going well- that kind of time in life where everything falls really nicely and no impending doom looming over. I wake up I hang around I go to sleep. Repeat.

I still get fb messages asking if I'm "better" or "Ready to come back" and "I miss you, I miss us, lets be friends again".

No. Whoever you were friends with two years ago isn't real anymore. It's called growing up. People change. They're never any different from anyone else. They say things, they mean them, they change, they stop saying them. Etc. This is what relationships and people do- they change, and they don't last forever.

I used to be real sad about that but meh. It's fine. It's like accepting people die. This happens and you don't get to say jack about it.

Anyway. Yeah. Job, place, dynamic, Dallas- about it. Kids are rad. Stuff and other stuff. Whatever.

Btw- I got my drivers license back in mid March. Yep. A real person. School soon (cytotechnology, word up yo). Y'know. the usual progress people like to use for life markers. I've gotten nothing else going on so why not.

Dallas is in two weeks. I... guess I'm excited. It's kind of meh. Then again Iron Man 3 for my bro date with Koa, and I'm not COMPLETELY dead inside to not be a little happy about Tony Stark.

Oh, I lost 102 lbs since last July. That's been... that. I haven't had any feeling of accomplishment or self esteem or self confidence (still a fatass only now I'm melty looking so ok) so I'm pretty much just pleased with myself that hey, might of been a crappy friend and not a fun person but I'm a bit healthier and wayyy stronger than I used to be so yeah.

I pray a lot. That whole "Where you saw one set of foot prints..." isn't whats up right now though. More like I'm just sitting on the beach watching the waves like whatever and sometimes He sits with me. So even if I've lost passion or joy or active compassion I'm still somewhere in Him. That's all that matters most nights when I'm falling asleep. so. ya.

(...I know this isn't very,,,, good behavior, being so closed off. I *know* it's not but, I just can't seem to move forward yet. Maybe time heals all wounds and this is just worth a decade of time. Whatever. We'll see. I don't need to be saved and I don't want to b rescued so itll happen on my own time, on me.)
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