| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|11:07 am] |
Not much new.
Looking at houses to hpefully move within theb next couple months. Its a headache.
Work is ok. Its super cold these days. Tasha found a hundred dollar bill in the clothes. Which is good cause now she has more money for christmas for her kids.
Anywho. Yeah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|09:32 am] |
So I work at cintas. I hang up uniforms from six til two thirtypm mon thru fri. I have awesome cheap insurance from it and enough money to get by. Its not so bad.
There is a kid named justin iwho works second shift im trying to make friends with. He is pretty neat. He is 21 has a daughter that is close to the twins age and he smokes the cigarettes I smoke, and like me hardly smokes at all thoough now that its cold he smokes more often, cuase we like smoking in cold settings.
There is a girl named tasha who stands in front of me in hanging and she is cool. She is 28 and slightly neruotic but she is a chatter box and it makes the day go by decently quick.
I am content with my job. With the hours and beneifits its what I need right now. Im comfortable there.
So eric and I broke up... and its the best thing I've done in a long time. I didn't realize how I was putting all my focus and energy in him and how that constantly ruined doing what was right for me. I don't want to say he was standing in my way or bringing me down... but he was in more ways than not. Just two weeks after splitting up and I just feel so... great. Im remembering who I used to be in the lord and what I used to believe in and love.
It was like when I let go of eric I could see what I had been choosing him over.
The biggest pain from this break up is I now have to face the consequences of choosing him over everything. Im now stuck in texas away from my great friends. I've back tracked so far in my faith everything I had with god that was obvious is completely new feeling.
Im remembering passion. And I tried so hard to feel it, not sure I knew what it was anymore- but I do now.
Eric and I are amazing now, too. What you have to understand is eric is an absolute miserable person. Joy is fleeting for him, he knows no passion.
And now that I don't feel the... obligation to drown with him or KILL myself trying to make him happy... he and I without all the pressure are better than ever. We joke we play we talk for hours... its just good. He can stop feeling guilty for cutting me down and I can stop being exhausted from trying to fix him.
Im stil staying at the house, I just moved into the extra room we have. So everything is the same, we're just not an item anymore.
Yes its sad for th twins. But this has to be a better idea then having two bitter and miserable parents- because I was bitter annd miserable, I just couldn't see it, or admit it to myself.
Eric and I are gonna try and split the twins as equally and healthly as we can. we're going to talk and talk and plan and plan til we are sure we found the best option.
This is a good thing and I am happy.
Other than that nothing really going on. Twins are like real people now. Not a lot of actual words yet, but they try =)
I love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|08:13 am] |
So....
Its totally snowinh. Has for like a half hour.
Crazy.
Good news is im off today =)
I made up my hours all week =( ten and a half hours a day is way too much time at that place haha.
Should really update about my job, huh?
I will. But currently am intraced by the weather and babies are crazy this morning.
I love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|03:10 pm] |
Im updating from my brand new sidekick. Yay free upgrades!
New news...
Eric and I have broken up. Yes its true. Til I can write more just know I am ok, maybe even happy about this choice. Its for the best right now.
Twins are well! They really like books and going for walks.
Ok. I love you I'll post more later promise. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2009|01:07 pm] |
i neeeeeed the internet at my house.
Shelly is sitting next to me now, which is awesome =) she's here for the weekend. excited.
wish i could update more =( |
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| i owe you this much. |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|12:13 pm] |
don't have time to resize =(
but... i figure something is something at least.
so here are some pictures =)
the ones of babies are old, sorry, i haven't gotten the new ones off the camera.
a few from az, too. though i admit i didn't take as many as I should have. at all.
( Pictures ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|08:00 pm] |
i'm finally on the internet... and I have nothing to say.
I miss Ginnina.
I miss my brother, and listening to his music makes it worse (myspace.com/whensilencespeaks I never knew he had that voice, I swear).
I'm allergic to my new job I'm sure. literally.
I miss az.
babies are hilarious. its amazing to think just a few months ago they couldn't sit up, and they didn't have the understanding they do now. their motor skills were nothing they are now.
crazy.
they're beautiful.
one year old in october. isn't that crazy??????
this time last year I was still as big as a house with them rolling around in my tummy.
now they're taking first steps (yes, Holden has taken up to three steps on his own, Izzy has taken two without anyone holding her hands).
crazy crazy crazy.
but i love you.
hope that's enough for now. |
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| One day I'll found you out of this town. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2009|11:16 pm] |
we were searching for the cure.....
how long has corwin had me unfriended?
it hurt, i won't say different.
not like we talked, or would have much to talk about now.
hope can be a terrible thing.
i was hanging on to him pretty hard, still.
night time is the worst these days. I think about wailua constantly, and am crippled by the guilt that... i could of done somthing, right? i'm sure. convinced, had i been better, i'd saved her and she'd still be here.
I keep hoping ESJ would have perfect wordss for me, that corwin could help me work myself out like he used to.
whatever comfort i'm looking for i'm not gonna find it.
i always place my hopes in the wrong places.
oh well. i'll just have to keep stocked on hard liqour (its the only thing that can get me to sleep, rather than stay up all night writing wailua letters of apology- or just letters talking to her, as I miss her so very,very much. My heart stopped when I heard that she was gone, then shattered.
I don't think its started healing.
it feel likes...you can only live with a broken heart so long until.... you just can't live on it anymore.) |
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| Alive. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|10:09 pm] |
I'm ten hours away from Arizona.
I'm at a motel a few miles from El Paso, Tx.
I'll be in AZ from tomorrow til mid-day tuesday.
I'll be seeing EMERY at the marquee on monday.
Quick updates as I'm TIRED:
-I've missed you.
-OMG, AZ!!!
-I got a job at Valero.
-I turned in my two week notice at Valero.
-I don't work at Valero anymore.
-Found out Holden is allergic to peanuts/tree nuts. He breaks out super bad. its a sad sight.
-Babies pull themselves up a lot and try and walk.
-Babies like to eat real people food- esp saltine crackers and itty-bitty-their-size pancakes.
-Isabelle talks a lot now, still babbling most of the time.
-I'm going to work in the wearhouse at Cintas when I return from AZ.
-I love my husband.
Man. I'm almost happy I don't have internet, because there was a lot of stress around this trip, and I would have taken up a ton of livejournal space ranting about it.
Now, though, I'm pretty numb. I guess my nerves got burnt out on being stressed and anxious.
I enjoyed the past ten hours of driving with Eric. Its nice to relax together. We've been driving each other to the brink of sanity and back, but we got along wonderfully on the drive.
think we just needed a break from stress lol.
Tim- I love you!!!!!!!
anyhow. all for now. Pictures soon i hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|05:05 pm] |
birthday was alright. boring.
ehhhh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2009|09:42 am] |
woke up 20 today.
i oddly do feel a.... difference? i think i do.
i very much reveled in my teen-age, dunno why, i was terribly awkward an intense from 14-18.
but alas, twenty.
going to the county fair tonight with eric and i guess some of his friends. i'm only excite cause last year we went an I couln't go on any rides cause my two little babies were still cooking in my tummy. i'm not even that huge on rides really, but i guess it was one of those since i couldn't have it i wanted it lol.
stopping by mike's party on the way home to spend it with him.
Mike and tara came over yesterday for an hour or so. met landon, tara's little one. i miss when my babies were that tiny =(
its so unfair, the back and forth between how i feel about the twins. first i wish they were a little bigger so they were capable of more things (keeping themselves busy with toys, saying words, walking, sitting up on their own) but then i miss when they were just little soft things that i could hold without them wanting to squirm to stand or sit up, that when they made noise it was cute as hell cause it was few an far between =(.
babies are also considerablly 'squishy' when they're itty bitty. i miss it =(
anyhow. enjoying time alone at home- my mom took babies to my aunt's last night til tomorrow.
i got pretty depresse last night cause there are a considerable amount of people i'd like to be spening today with, but alas, miles are in my way hehe.
love you all. |
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| you trust too much in my bravery. |
[Apr. 3rd, 2009|08:16 am] |
blah. birthday plans out the window.
boo.
ah well.
such is my birthdays. my past three have been a drag, i guess I'll make it a tradition. Optimism.
eric quit smoking. I'm on my last pack. I've been going weeks without and then a week with, i don't mind quitting completely with him. I'm rather proud of him- its been four days. a feat for him, consdering he's been smoking for like ten years.
babies are so fussssyyyy today =(. teething and such i think.
good times. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|10:02 am] |
took jade to monsters vs aliens yesterday in 3D. i enjoyed in enough.
eric needs to find a way to calm down. he can get so agitated sometimes over small things. and then he's noticablly annoyed, and gets snippy and stomps his feet when he walks and closes doors harder than needed and curses at any following tiny thing that fuels to his annoyance.
its quite chilish, and effect me by making me upset an annoyed that he acts like that.
eh. we'll work on it. generally i wave it off- everyone has times like that, but now that i've noticed how his moods effect me i'm more serious about taking care of it.
I'm a bit stressed today i think =/. My birthday party i wanted to have i can't now because i'd have to have it on friday night but eric works early saturday. can't have it saturday because mike's party is on saturday and mike, chris, and tara are the only friends that are my friends that i'd be inviting and I'm not as exciting about a party if all it is are eric's friends that come to my party.
money is a problem- duh. it always is. sure, he just bought a motorcycle- not without sacraficing other things though. rent went up another hundred. *shrug*. oh, life.
something else that kind of upset me is the new news that shannon's mom's boyfriend jack (the one buying her a house and car) is worth $27 MILLION.
...unless he owns some kind of chain of something or inheredited it, i fucking doubt it.
it just makes me upset because yay, he's rich- doesn't mean you shouldn't make plans to take care of your own self.
and again, BRAGGING about getting a rich relative to take care of you is pathetic and ridiculous.
I'm not jealous, please don't misunderstand my animosity to the situation. I can make my own damn millions, thanks.
if he is worth so much, cool. I wouldn't mind getting bailed out or a hand up if he was my relative- but i' mostley be curious if he'd pay for my school- not give me a house and a car. I'd like to feel acomplished in life someday, making it for myself being something that will make that happen.
i dunno. just worries me. if it is and it all goes to play- jade will be a spoiled little brat. the twins will end up not liking her, and she'll stop wanting to come over herself due to the difference in the life styles.
on top of that, eric has been offered gifts and ammounts in relation to the "millions".
I, personally, want nothing to do with it. eric can take it all he wants- not until its known that am against taking it, and after i know where the hell jack got it (i am NOT down with getting blood or stolen money).
not because i'm prideful- sure, money would be great esp now. but... eh. i can make my own money, and i am not part of jack's family dipite the "techinical" relation through eric, and i... i just don't want his money. at all.
eh. i wouldn't be so upset i guess is the word if they weren't so braggy about it.
anyway. i need to make an appointment for babies and cross my fingers that food stamps come through this month and that my paper work was done correctly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|06:46 am] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | framming hanley- lollipop (lil wayne cover) | ] |
eric someho managed to fail his test at the dmv today. boo. now he'll have to wait another week to actually aquire his motorcycle, as he needs insurance to take it off the lot, and needs a motorcycle license to get insurance.
my mother also could not get a texas license as she forgot her birth certificate.
i have a gut feeling something will stand in my way of renewing my food stamps for this month, as i bet i turn in my shit late. gar.
i'm alone with babies for the first time this morning. its just strange, this used to be common, and yet just three weeks with my mother here to help has got be used to otherwise. i like being alone a bit. I know i whine and moan about always being alone, but its alright.
i've been mkaing breakfast a lot lately for my mom and eric. this morning i made cinnimon pancakes, cheese filled eggs, and bacon.
going to try and plan a birthday get together for next friday. i dunno. i just want to do something for my birthday. my past three sucked big, and i want to kick off a new decade of my life and retire my teenage career in style.
i dunno.
i've been listening to Robert Pattinson's "let me sign" a bunch the past three days. i dunno whats wrong with me. i think its pretty though.
i need to get off my butt and do some dishes and a load of laundry and play some drr. i've been trying to play it everyday, maybe it'll get me into shape. or something. i can hope.
i'm a bit discouraged for "getting into shape". back in az i walked all the time, miles a day, and I used to be able to run three miles without hassel.
heck, three ddr songs on difficult kill me.
the point is, i had all that activity back in the day and still didn't look fit. i wonder if i just can't look any different than i always have. *ponder ponder*
isabelle has awoken. must go tend to her.
love you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 25th, 2009|12:13 pm] |
laura and koree's mommy is fantaaaaaaaaaastic. absolute life saver.
*crosses fingers super tightly*
let us hope that walden market takes me back with open arms and willingness.
luckily for me, no one in that place is expierenced.
so when i tell them i have a "wedding" and other "family events" for a week in july when they're re-hiring me it won't be an automatic no (any valero and qoute un qoute real store would laugh).
i called manuel and left a message about it. we'll see. I was a damn good employee, even pregnant I was pretty rockin.
esp when you consider i knew more about running the store than the owners did. i'm the one who showed everyone (managers and owners) how to work the security tapes, how to have better money control (I could of walked out LOADED like a top-dollar stripper if i didn't have a heart since they had NO money control and couldn't check security tapes) AND i did the invoices, pay roll input, SCHEDULE, etc.
and now that I'm not pregnant and I can do things like keep the cooler in good shape and such- yeaaaah. I'd hire me back.
so hope hope hope. I'd like to get a job somewhere i have ties than make an actual effort lol. esp with the previous statement about them being the only ones who will accept the july idea. I don't really like the idea of starting a job and then quit- i don't play that.
anyhow. hope hope hope.
also eric wants a damn motorcycle, i'd need a job if we wanted to be comfortable with the payments/insurance.
but when you think about it, with him having a motorcycle and that being his main transportation, that makes either the passat or the blazer my car, so its like paying my own stuff.
anyway. point being, i'd really like them to hire me back.
I see Josh (assitant manager) standing in my way. He's a freakin twat. That's a terrible word to use but its true. 'captain twat', that's what i called him.
he might say something about it, but if he's honest he knows i did damn well and i'm sure he'll see the potintial now that i'm not pregnant.
hell, had i not been pregnant, his job would of been mine anyway. twat.
so... yes, hopefully.
more so lets hope i pass my driving test when i finally get around to taking it *grumble*. so nervous.
lets just hope i get this job so i can afford plane tickets and car rental. cause that right there is quite a problem. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2009|11:06 pm] |
| [ | I am at |
| | my room. | ] |
| [ | Emotion, who are you? |
| | ridiculous | ] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | stupid twilight movie | ] |
my sleep schedule is all off. i go to bed at like one am, get up with babies at a new five am wake up time, take the boy to bed with me around eight am and sleep til 1pm or so.
mostley cause my mom is here so she has babies when i sleep, and cause eric worked insane late hours all week and i stayed up with him because its the only time i see him.
went to a birthday party this weekend- candis's twenty sixth. it was alright at first, i met her cousin courtner and her girlfriend melina and they were alright aside from all they really talked about is how drunk they'd get that night or how drunk they were before that. but i made the effort, and courtney and i kept driving out to the store a bunch of times so i got to know her pretty well.
still, was dying to leave when i finally could get eric to leave and they did the cake.
my head hurt like hell toward the end- there were like four burn piles going so smoke was coming from every side of anywhere you were at, people were smoking weed near me, eric and I's old room mate who are now super crack/heroin junkies showed up, anyone who didn't have their significant other with them were pissy because the absent other was being complicated, i kept getting bagered into taking shots because "its my birthday" and "come on come on" get old when said over and over when i can just take a shot and shut them up, etc etc.
BUT. it was a nice time and birthday's are important, esp to go to candis's since she took eric and I and his parents out for dinner for his birthday.
blah.
bought TWLIGHT and "Zack and Miri make a porno". I can't say why i actually bought twlight the movie, as i freaking hate it because its off in so many ways, yet i'm watching it now and its like the sixth time i have.
Zack and Miri i thought was funny, though some of the more graphic scenes i coulda done without. *shrug*. I think its amazing how what-ever-his-name-is-that-plays-jay-from-the-jay-and-silent-bob-flicks looks amazing these days and i am convinced will never look at all aged.
i'm stressing out alot more than i should about finding decent prices for flights/car rentals to phx now that eric and I are officially wanting to go that route so we have an entire WEEK in phx, instead of only like three days and then three worth of driving.
we're also pushing the visit back a month, both to save more money, i can celebrate fourth of july (my third favorite holiday) in style, and i can be there when sarah has her baby (who is due on july 4th).
i hate pushing it back, but if it buys more time and its more effective (such with sarah and the holiday) its worth it.
i need to sleep.
but eric is congested and his snoring is so ridiculously LOUD. grrrrrrrrrr.
oh well.
i'm upset i didn't buy the cool twlight, the one with all the cool extra bonus features- also SUPER let down that the commentary is laaaaaame. i love commentaries, this was on that i was almost looking forward too. booooo.
team jacob? team edward?
i'm gonna say.... team kristen. she's preeeeeeety. and wtf she's a year younger than me?!
j.k
I'm alllll about team EMMENT.
obviously i need to sleep, look at what i'm talking about. pft.
also, why every time i type T-W-I-L-I-G-H-T i spell T-W-L-I-G-H-T? why can't my brain remind my fingers about the I before the L? pffft. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2009|07:30 pm] |
videos soon =). once they agree to upload for me *grumble*
watching "Sex Drive".
I fear i don't appreciate the humor enough to enjoy to =(. The Seth Rogen crew makes me laugh, but i dunno if i can go past that. eh. i'm just uncool.
joy.
ps- thank you tim for the comment about EMERY's new ALBUM that comes out JUNE 2ND. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2009|01:32 pm] |
| [ | Listening to |
| | attack attack!- i kissed a girl (cover) | ] |
I dropped Holden yesterday. Well, i suppose thats not acurate. I was changing him into his clothes for the family pictures on the couch and he did a wierd spaz-out thing and I caught him by his waist but he still hit the ground with his shoulder and head =(. I cried inside for a while. He's fine, this is the first of a billion times he or isabelle will hit their head and fall in general. I'm happy that it happened and now the initial freak out is over, though. cause he's fine, and he'll be fine all the other times he's learning to walk and run and he falls.
got my caaaaar.
it's alright.
thought it'd be white but its a maroon/burgandy color. dunno why i was under the impression of it being otherwise.
just needs an oil change. again, pretty sweet deal for $800 bucks.
i likes it. i mostley just like that i have a car of my own. i like that we have a second car in general.
i like that i can order a bunch of tooth and nail records stickers now to put on it haha. I have to get a few decals off it though first.
it's alright.
progress! |
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| i want... |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|11:00 am] |
+ESJ to come back in my life. Its much overdue for his appearance in my life. Generally he shows right when i think he's gone forever, but its been quite a bit of time. He's not anywhere in the on-line world that i can find, and there are not mutual friends to go through to seek him out. don't think i'm above going through his myspace friend's and messaging everyone of them to ask how he is or if they have a way of getting a hold of him or passing along a message for me, because i'm not. and hell if i won't when it gets closer to my AZ trip, because i will see that kid if i have to go knocking on random doors.
+*sigh* a new phone. I don't need one, my works fine, i don't need all the bells and whistles a phone can offer, but i do feel i'd like a sidekick. mostley because all the cool kids on tour had sidekicks. i'm not very original.
+friends in texas that like the music I like and have an emery shirt and have "hardcore" hair and can tell me stories of when they saw bands that I like live. I want to have them and i want them to come over to my house to hang out with me and talk about bands and jesus and 'hardcore' fashions.
+desperatly to get my hair done. permanetly straightened.
+to find something that works for getting rid of the blackheads I have. they're not unslightly, no one notices them and most people tell me i have great skin. But i see them, and they annoy me.
+to learn how to "do" my eyebrows. they'e ridiculously out of control. eww.
+for it to stay cold and cloudy, because i hate when its hot here.
+figure out what kind of clothes look good on me. I'm content with jeans and a band shirt, but i want to look good and fashionable sometimes, and not the faintest idea how to accomplish that.
+ my stomach to shrink back. being fat is one thing- but the buldge around the middle being just loose skin from pregnancy annoys me.
+to go to a show. not buzzffest, even if ANBLERIN is playing. I want my run down-like venue with decent people in the crowd who don't give me looks for dancing crazy.
+to just get it over with for my GED and drivers lisence. worst that can happen is I fail ad have to re-do it. big deal. nothing to be nervous or scared of.
+to go back to work at a crap job like a conveinent store, just because i like busy work and bs-ing customers and having my own money. BUT, alas, must go to school first while I still have a chance.
+find a church i like and actually get to go.
+get new strings for my guitar because i miss playing it, as terrible as I am at it.
+eric to stop making it seem like we have no time for anything. we do, he just doesn't see it.
+my mom to stop cleaning every five seconds so i can feel accomplished and clean stuff too.
+babies to start saying words and crawling.
+babies to stay how they are and never get any older.
I'll stop there.
I call Holden my Koala now, because when you hold him he positions himself to where he looks just like a koala would if you were holding a koala.
I realized one day, he's going to yell at me for calling him "Koala" in front of his friends and tell me he's too big for that name now.
probably around the same time he asks to borrow the car or to push his curfew to an hour or two later.
after this conversation I will promptly go to my room and cry and look at pictures of when he was like he is now and still my Koala.
ah, the times ahead.
and they're practically already here, time flies so ridiculously fast.
bah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|10:43 am] |
sweet jesus the three periods i've had since having the twins is the worst thing my body has gone through like EVER, aside from the healing process for the c-section.
i am miserable to say the least.
blaaaaaaah.
anyhow.
tomorrow we're taking a family picture at a picture thing place. should be kinda cool. pictures are important.
my mom is adjusting well. i'm adjusting to being around my mom all day everyday fairly well.
its going.
did nothing for eric's birthday *grumble*. he's not a birthday person. I on the other hand think birthdays are a big deal. even if its your 27th lol.
i'm excited for my birthday. just because a good excuse to actually do something, dispite the challenge to actually find something there is to do lol.
going to dinner with Mike for sure the friday night before our birthday. Hes having a party on saturday (our birthday) but i doubt i'll go. *shrug*. lots of drunk kids i don't know, lots of weed and "hook up" gayness going on... eeehhhhhhhhh. I know I'm only turning 20- but i've deffinatly grown out of that "fun".
so, hopefully eric can find a way to get saturday off work (slim chance, everyone works on saturday and its never given off so...suuuuure) or at least get off early (extremely possible) so we can spend the day together.
I know I want to see "Adventureland" really bad. To begin with, I'm in love with Kristen Stewart (maybe not that in love as i'm not even sure i spelled her name right). And it has a few of my other favorites. looks good.
I also ant to drag eric to "Main Event" which is like a glorified arcade. Its pretty much the only thing i can think of doing, though i would really enjoy being able to get a few more people to go with us- but alas... i don't know anyone in texas I'd like to invite. ha.
anyhow. good times. |
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