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Kanani

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[21 Oct 2016|09:30am]
It's been... a week.

The kinda week that has me needing this long abandoned secret spot on the internet to purge it from me.

I spent three days in bed as I felt Glitch's distance like a knife in my body. He's a home and I'm always so homesick. He's a picket fence and I feel his absence like a house on fire.

This week also found me buried in an old life. I warred with myself about how I still fit so well in a world I thought I'd burn the bridge to.

I've got a thousand miles and a decade between me and that life and yet somehow.

I couldn't help but laugh.

Because of course.

And for no other reason and power than sometimes you just can't outrun whats in your blood.

Because there's no way he could've understood the gravity when he surprised me with taking me to that place and those people.

But I tensed up in his car, and he read it on me, and asked.

"I just thought you'd like something different." He defended.

"Not different. Not new."

And god, it was like I didn't have the years from it.

I was always so hell bent on fitting in during my teenage years. I wanted the cool kids table. I wanted the clean good Christian kids to like me.

And I was always only awkward and messy and lost when I got my time in with them.

But throw me in with broken and dirty and I'm the goddamn life of the party without a hint of effort or intentional attempt.

That's what happened. I walked in expecting it to feel uncomfortable, expecting there was no way I could go back when I'd grown out of it.

But I shook hands and made jokes and got marriage proposals.

I expected to tense or cower around men that kept metal on their bodies and towered over me.

But I made them laugh and sparked their eyes.

Because I always do.

This is just where I belong.

And I just need to take a deep breath and accept it.

It's not a bad thing.

I just thought I would've shed the skin that places me so perfectly.

Sixteen year old me still holding out hope I'll be what I chased back then.

It's an odd kind of self loathing.

It's ungraceful and ungrateful of me to spit on the love I'm given like this, and I know it.

I hoped I'd change.

But I haven't and it isn't up to me, it seems.

It feels like no matter the distance or time or healing, I've been too broken and poisoned to not always end right back up there.

And it should be a good thing. Because it's my love at it's best, and I know that.

But it's too much like old demons I've tried to shake and I can't see the good instead of just all the bad.

But look, I went with it that night. I accepted it.

And I poured my heart into the cracks in others', I had perfect words and soft touches and control.

And I just need to let it be.

This is just what I was made for.

It's not the clean cut or normal or charming kids I wanted so badly to be.

But it's genuine and loyal.

And it's where I fit.

Patron saint of lost causes.

Always.
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[01 Aug 2016|12:19pm]
Hey since I'm here and in the spirit of feeling my feelings in this lj I really want to talk about how JASON TODD HAS ME ALL MESSED UP.

I forget why or how it happened, but the group chat got really heated a few weeks ago about The Killing Joke stuff and then somehow instead of "BABS DESERVED BETTER FUCK YOU ALL" we are now in a battle about Robins and continuity and all this other stuff

but it's made me have to relive the "Rebirth" issues as well as I'm all up in The Robin War

It's like they don't remember how I DID NOT HANDLE THIS WELL AT ALL THE FIRST TIME

Also Brent brought up how Jason Todd's death certificate says he died from smoke inhalation meaning not right away and then woke up in the coffin screaming for Bruce so we can figure he died doing so as well and I said "You're dead to me Brent" and he said "As dead as Jason Todd cuz..."

I hate my friends.

I also bought the physical copies of Son of Batman and We Are Robin cuz I am an adult who can buy whatever the hell I want even if I already have digital copies and anyway Imma just be in my damn feelings

Did I order copies of The Outlaws too yeah I did because it's like if I think I can hold the copies IN my hands I can somehow like just hug Jason already? Y'know?

Anyway remember that panel where Tim is talking about "But if I have to face the Joker I wouldn't want anyone else" about Jason and how I like, could never live my life again? because that's still a thing.

Also the flash back of Dick damn Grayson singing some circus song and holding some little kid after a thing to comfort the kid? Ya'll remember that? BECAUSE I DO AND IT RUINED MY LIIIIIIIFE.

Anyway Jason Todd is still the only man I'll ever love and is forever my sexual orientation and I think we'd be perfect for how Robin is nothing but a curse on our lives.

And we aren't even touching Cassandra Cain.

Or grown up Damian.

Or my feelings about Duke.

Or the headcanon of Selina being super maternal to all the batkids in this sideways/secret/in passing way.

Also did everyone see the #BORGLIFE shirt at the jl panel? Because I did. I did. And we don't deserve him.

Aaaaaanyway thanks LJ.

Edit to add: I'M GOING TO START CROTCH PUNCHING EVERY ONE WHO FORGETS DICK, JASON, AND DAMIAN ARE NOT LILLY WHITE BOYS K STOP THIS NONSENSE OF NOT KEEPING THEIR SKIN TONE AND BACKGROUNDS AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JASON IS STACKED AND MASSIVE STOP MAKING HIM LIKE DICK AND TIM THAT'S NOT IT YOU FOOLS.
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[01 Aug 2016|09:46am]
Current text that really sums up my life currently:

"Heyyy friend. So, are you going to throw up in my yard every time we try to go take the test? It's totally cool, but, uh, maybe if we didn't do that so you actually y'know TAKE THE FUCKING TEST ALREADY JESUS CHRIST YOU CAN'T GET ACCREDITED WITHOUT IT IT'S A VERY SMALL STEP IN THE PROCESS YOU DUMB FUCK like take some xanax or smoke some weed or we'll do a couple shots in the car just figure your life out get your shit together *insert full Morty lecture* because holy shit Ksauce you are tripping out and it's still just phase 1 you CAN NOT do this at this point. Anyyywayy... hmu for coffee or hangs later heartu"

I can not get out of my head for this test. I know the material. I know it in my sleep. There is no question of passing. There is no risk. There is no worry. This is nothing.

And yet. Still can't go take it without this nonsense.

And he's right. This isn't even, this isn't even a big deal, AT ALL. It's literally just to place into the program like it's specific stuff but it's 101 bullshit and oh gawddammit, me, get your shit together.

Doing great*!


(Sarcasm because obviously I'm awful at being a functioning person when it comes to this test buuuuuut I'm actually still doing pretty rad and y'know, maybe it just wouldn't be me if I didn't have something to panic about for no reason)

Dear future me: Sorry I delayed this. Also, you're welcome for the laughs and feeling better about how you're not this piece of shit anymore. Yay us!
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[03 Jun 2016|04:09am]
Promotion official. New title all on my email signature. Pay increase kicked in.

I have an awful time giving myself any kind of credit, but I'm trying to celebrate this. It's a position I made and got to design. And it became valuable and necessary. And it's mine.

I still get to work nights and the track is I'll pretty much work whatever I want, anyway, as long as I hit the hours (this can take it's time, bc I'd probably have to go salary, and I don't want to).

I did this well, I think. And it's something I want to do (repetitive paperwork where I never have to talk to anyone).

I present stuff in several meetings across the locations next week. I'm a bit nervous because I'm still the younger end and being authoritative feels odd.

I went home last month. Took Glitch with me. It was as wonderful as usual. And so amazing having Glitch to share it with. He's my favorite brohana. I got lucky as hell with that one.

I have a weekend with Koa next month. He's taking me to an aquarium. Excited for the "OMG LOOK AT IT GO ARE YOU KIDDING ME??*sobs*" and downtown drinking (he's a good bro, all this "Know what Kanani needs? Water and tall buildings and lights" cuz it is 100% of the time). Also catching me up on Marvel movies (so, letting me public sleep on him- also 100% what I want to always do). He just gets me and knows how to take care of me (when I'm there , he's shit for distance but hey I'll take it-IMMA SEE SO MUCH FISH YALL).

I finally figured out my meds and they're great. It's been easier. I'm doing things again (running, laughing, sex, general getting out of bed stuff). I handle things well without over thinking first. I'm hilarious and fun again. I'm super pretty again. Etc.

I'm glad I finally did that. Twins were getting old enough to notice "Mommy is tired a lot". Kinda wish it hadn't taken Steven to force me into it (his mothers death was such an intense thing for both of us, i still feel raw and sore and aged from processing it with him- again, I'll never buy romantic relationships being more intimate than friendships, cuz I've never seen any married folk as close as we proved during all that). But progress is progress.

I've stopped speaking to my mother pretty entirely (holiday texts being it). I feel like I've officially reconciled so much from before I was 18 since this. It's been a long time coming, but it was hard accepting life then, who I was then, is absolutely not now.

It's been complicated, because its not something I can easily share, because it is either "But that's your MOM" or "Yeah, I get that, congrats on letting go". No inbetween.

She didn't come to Cheyenne's wedding, was the breaker. No excuse. None. And Chey and I just can't have the time for such negativity and hurt. It had to be "You chose not to be in our lives, and continue to, so... you're not in our lives".

Carrying her with me meant all that history, I'd stay 16 forever, because she hasn't changed. She still makes me anxious and lonely and ashamed.

That's not my life anymore. I'm calm and strong and sure and confident as hell. I'm the adultier adult. And I don't want to be anything but that.

Speaking of adulting- some the fuck how, I've become the "Has it together" friend in my common age friend group.

Everyone told Glitch i made them feel bad sometimes for having it figured out and supporting my family without help and having successful no-drama relationships.

On the plane home he said so, and i spent the two hours trying to figure out wtf they're talking about. My job is basic as hell. I have to Google very basic adult things that everyone knew by HS. my marriage was very power imbalanced and often emotionally abusive.

"Together" where???

But it's always like that. You're always looking around to see if you're with everyone else. And somehow 99% you aren't.

I make as much as most of my bachelor's degree friends, but i still feel awful for never getting accepted/able to access degree programs i want. I have my children full time but still can't be spending enough time with them. I support my family alone but not with enough things. My friendships are amazing, radical love, loyal and fun but I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships (that FACT feels broken, though i am perfectly happy with my energy and focus on anything not those).

Etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Anyway. Trusty lj. There's where I ended up at 27. Happy and doing ok so far. Finally calmed the hell down. Finally loving myself. It took 12 years, but we got here.
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[14 Jan 2014|09:16am]
I GOT THE JOB.

I'm waiting on my offer letter hopefully by the end of the day for more details (I may of begged the crap out of the nurse manager to just let me know if I got it because my nerves were shot as hell so no one say anything ha.I completely bombed the hell out of the interview and was so disappointed in myself- my anxiety went up to a 9 and my head got messy as hell about it. To the point I can't sleep without a heavy muscle relaxer, hot bath, melatonin and working out til I exhaust myself- even knowing I got the job last night I still couldn't just relax. Dunno what it is about going to sleep, but I guess it's a better time than any to suddenly have anxiety attacks that I can barely physically move through).

I need to play this right. So often I waste good opportunities and step ups to continue to stay where I'm already at. I think a lot of my depression and over compensation with things that don't have any progress or work shown is because I haven't been making any progress (everyone wants to say I've made plenty of progress, but either they're just nice or my over achieving obsession is in higher gear).

I'm nervous as hell because I'm not even kind of qualified for this new job. I don't have the experience, I've still been putting my GED off, etc. It's going to be a whole other level than my current company (and the system is COMPLETELY different).

I'm nervous how I'll deal with working six nights a week. I'm worried I'll be burned out every Sunday, that I won't find proper balance between work, fitness, setting up school (already got the courses set out, which is a whole other boulder I've tied to my feet to drag me further under the waves because JESUS CHRIST KANANI SHOOT LOWER), social life, and most importantly- the kids. Though I'm fine being a workaholic (fitness is an hour a day, I can make sure the little things don't go on the back burner with the kids and commit to "Sunday Funday", I'll still have time to be involved with step kid's school, and this is Texas what social life am I really protecting, my marriage is already dead). It suits me.

Also, in the great words of Ron Swanson "Don't half ass two things- whole ass one thing. I have entirely too much pride in being a team player, being available, going the extra mile, covering everyone's ass and having both jobs will severely damage my ability to do so like I do now. Just last week I covered two days for someone out sick at last minute (half hour before shift call in ya'll yaaay) because god forbid we have any PRNs, which resulted in my Saturday being given to a new girl who only had 10 hours of training so I stopped by (twice) to check on her (also to see Captain America, his birthday is today but I brought him a cake that I sadly attempted to decorate for him- picture at the end!). With the other job I won't be able to pick up the slack like that, I won't even really be able to mid shift like I've wanted to or spend any other time aside from Sunday to do audits (audits and squats are currently the bane of my existence, I've hated nothing more). I hate already starting out at the new place without giving 110%, though if I like it there (and Cap comes with me like he said he will if I get full time and we can have the same shift- Im telling you, this job is such team work and he and I are hella tight- we are all the nurses and doctor's favorite team for a reason. Chemistry is on point, we take care of each other really well) it will become my top priority (A. My loyalty is with Sara B. Pay is higher C. It's more challenging and deal with a ton more things D. Already a fuck ton more professional and invested E. Gonna like having higher ups that know what's up and give a fuck F. "Job isn't about money, it's about fringe benefits- that's where the power is"- Everythings Eventual or whatever, the perks at the new company are rad as hell).

Again, to play it right. Nothing is for sure and we're all one "FUCK!" away from starting back at square one. That being responsible thing I've never gotten very good at is kind of key, and the weight on my chest about it is suffocating. I need an adultier adult.

It's January, so here are some personal goals that probably sound pathetic as shit but are still the progress I need to feel even kind of accomplished
-Just get the damn GED over with jesus. Enroll for bs prereqs I need to finish up.
-Put enough money back I won't be buried in student loans when I start the course stuff next year.
-Just buy the damn house, even if I don't want to be stuck in this stupid town, it's something I need to invest in.
-Hit the fitness/body goals because this fatty bullshit has gone on long enough.
-No more sneaking cigarettes. Just quit already.
-Go home, go to Seattle, take the damn kids to Disneysomewhere this year, book Vail with the some buddies on their annual trip.
-Hit the $20/hr bracket. I don't even really care about money (I know I "need" money, I understand the value of money, but ehhhhhhhhhhh passed sustaining the kids and myself I mean... meeeeeeeeh) but I'm only like a dollar away from hitting that and it's a thing that shows progress. I guess. Idk.

Anyway. Enough rambling. I'm gonna be ok. I can do this. I've already improved my kids' life by 300% compared to mine, I beat a lot of statistics so far for what I should of become coming from where I did (and fulfilled some, too, but lesser evils and all that), I'm smart enough to bullshit my way through when I'm not smart enough to actually pull it off.

This will be fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

capcake
^^I didn't completely eff that up yay. Brought Avenger plates and cups too. And a child's Captain America birthday card. He's a good sport, since it's not based off his interest but just that I nicknamed him it.
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[28 Nov 2013|01:13am]
Koa ordered me the Emery ugly Christmas sweater

I....

This bitch.

He doesn't even like my bands.

He doesn't celebrate Christmas (ex jehovah's witness) and got a little annoyed with me last year when I was like "KOA WATCH ME DECK THE FUCK OUTTA THE HALLS CHRISTMAS IS MAGICAL BE EXCITED WITH ME YOU WHORE".

And he knows I am not graceful with people who spend money on me.

And he knows this year is the first year I could give a fuck less about holidays (because I get homesick and sad now).

And he knows limited edition merch that I can't have is my nightmare (I did christmas shopping the same week Emery released the sweater, only 50 of them, so I was broke as a joke because I'm an adult who was stoked I finally had a job this year that I could do actual Christmas shopping and because I'm not an adult who is like "I GET PAID IN A FEW DAYS WHY NOT DRAIN ALL THE ACCOUNT IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS"). While I'm not big about spending money or owning things, band merch is my version of say, shoes or video games etc.

We haven't even been on the best of terms lately.

He made a gesture and it is the best Christmas present since I was in AZ with Matthew our first Christmas together and I don't know how to handle the feels.

It has been years since I've received a thoughtful Christmas present that wasn't "Ok this seems like you and you were on my list because you're technically family" or "Here is some cash buy whatever the hell you're into these days idk".

I hate him because this has juuuust about melted a layer of ice off my heart and I love him because OMFG EMERY CHRISTMAS SWEATER WAS THERE ANYTHING EVER MORE BEAUTIFUL ABOUT THE CORPORATE HOLIDAY.


Stupid, stupid Koa. He's the worst, but he also protects my joy in things so I don't have to die inside.

Jackass. Always all, thoughtful and nice to me when it doesn't make him feel threatened (homeboy is all fucked up on passed damage).

This is just like that time he sent me a fucking shirt (my love for guy smell and stealing guys' clothes) when I didn't win the bet for it.

Waking me up with really delicious coffee like he just holds it near me and is all "Kanani, Kanaaaniiii, I made you coffeeee, wake up" and then the bitch usually has made me super awesome breakfast like strawberry and chocolate stuffed french toast (he doesn't even like strawberry and chocolate he only made it cuz when he told me about how he makes that I said it might be yummy and IT FUCKING WAS he also makes SMORES STUFFED FRENCH TOAST he insists on making me fat people food I don't appreciate it).

I hate him. I hate him super hard. Haaaaaaaaaaate him. I hate him. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him.
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[21 Nov 2013|11:11am]
There is a project that has been heavy on my heart and has been overwhelming me. There is a lot of work to do and I'm not even confident it's useful or needed or can be successful.

Ehhhhh.
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[19 Nov 2013|02:14pm]


Ke aloha, aloha nui loa.
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[19 Nov 2013|02:11pm]
Dallas was good. Marvel brodate with my ke aloha Koa was good (Thor2 was very pretty). The drive was easier than I expected. I wish I didn't work weekends and so much or I'd have to say I'd try to go more often. Very relaxing, and the city makes me happy.

Time with Koa is always good until I leave. I like having Koa around. I hate not having him around. I've decided to stop talking to him altogether because this bothers the both of us.

I have a lot to do and get done, and despite becoming a very strong person the passed year (hat tip Koa on the help with that) I'm still very tired and discouraged.

I think I just need more sleep, to up my protein intake, and maybe add another night that I go running (especially with the weather becoming nicer and nicer).

I go to AZ soon, and I need that. I need my fam and I need to remember how to connect with people. Even my weekend with Koa was with me removed and apathetic. I wasn't always like this, so maybe remembering how to put my heart back on my sleeve would be good.

I need to re-tune my guitar as well. While with Koa we drank some rum, he made me a fire (he's thoughtful like that) and we turned all the lights off and I played him some songs while sitting on the floor with the fire warming my back and he laid on the couch watching me, and I think I may of messed up my guitar somewhere during that.

That was a nice moment, now that I've mentioned that. The entire weekend was nice moments honestly, because as I said before, Koa is always nice to have around. He's just not good to not have around. I miss his dumb face and his snarky comments and just generally having Koa around. He's useful and calming. But I love him for who he is, not what he does, and actions and gestures are important especially at this age and for non-romantic and non-sexual dynamics (friendship, is the word, but I don't put much stock in that word anymore).

And I've become sure that once there is a certain amount of damage in a dynamic there is no over coming it or a reason to. So I think loving him from here and cutting the ties is a good idea.

In conclusion:
+I miss Koa already
+I need an adultier adult
+I am tired
+AZ soon so maybe I remember not to be so cold anymore
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Update [03 Nov 2013|10:57pm]
Job is going well, though being full time has been a bitch (we lack PRNs and while I like set schedules and a home location things went a lot smoother when I could cover at all of them).

I got a new RadTech about seven weeks back, he is now my Captain America (cuz he's awesome and nice) and I absolutely adore the heck outta him. Which is good, because spending 10 hours a night three times a week with only each other to entertain ourselves with and relying on each other for a number of job-related things makes our good chemistry a blessing (I met the radtech we hired directly after him, who almost got put on my exact shift as well, and that guy sucks. Like he's just the worst, mysoginistic and arrogant and ugh no). So my Steve Rogers makes me like my job that much more (even though before he started working I'd already hated him because I liked the ladies I worked with).

I am very good at my job and I am one of the top favorites. Which is how I like it. Over achieving and playing the game right is something I was good at that I let go for a while.

I straight out own my car now as Eric got the truck he's wanted forever. I like everything about being able to drive and stuff. Thank you Koa for breaking me of that fear.

Speaking of my Koa, I go to Dallas in two weeks to spend the weekend with him again for our Thor 2 bro-date. Our friendship had a bit of a rocky summer, but it wouldn't be a friendship in Texas if the summer wasn't bs. We've recovered well so far. I'm sure the weekend will get us back to being less resentful (always an awful transition when you become close enough that you can call each other out on things and have to face that maybe you're not a very awesome person all the time and even friendships demand effort on being good to the other person). If he didn't annoy the absolute crap out of me it wouldn't be real, I suppose. Two weeks are going to feel like forever (you'd think I'd be better at distant relationships by now). I've had a lot of anxiety about it the passed couple of days, but I realize this is normal. Koa is...complicated and hard to deal with when he gets into these moods of his, but I know once I finally get there and can touch* him (read: Punch) we'll be all the fun we've always been. We're good together, that doesn't go away. We're "Drift Compatible", if you will.

Koa also got a Hawaiian flower tatt. About our friendship. Which was more or less a lot of our issue during the summer (hint: because that is fucking creepy).

Daniel O'Brien is my favorite person ever and our e-mails are the high light of my week, socially speaking. He's pretty majestic.

I've had to change my work outs again. Fitness goals are bittersweet.

I got back into fighting as part of my fitness stuff, and that has been wonderful. Body destroying, but wonderful. The guys I train with are pretty great. For a while our sessions were problematic because it reminded me of my brothers, and made me feel nostalgic and guilty and sad, but I stuck it out and I am glad I have.

I actually start a second job early next year. Doing what I do now, just with another company. It'll be... challenging at first (I am sticking with night shifts for a while longer because I am good at night shift stuff), but extra income is y'know... good. Because money is... idk I imagine more money is always better though I've been pretty content lately. But I grew up hella poor so I imagine I'll always feel fine unless I ever go back to ramen, no hot water, no phone or internet, etc.

I need to set up another teacher/parent meeting for my step kid. Her homework has been slipping I think. I've like having her move in, it's given me a chance to really step up as her step parent and stuff.

I want to reach out to Tiger (Justin), just to say I'm sorry for how we ended. But it's been years now, and an apology might seem in poor taste, especially because I can't offer reconnecting (I can barely connect with new people like Captain America). He's not a bad memory for me, I'm just sorry it didn't work out and that I don't think we have a place in each other's lives again yet (I know we were good for each other at some point).

I also go home to AZ early next year. I don't have to explain why that's awesome.
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[23 Jun 2013|05:50am]

I began going to a "Home group" thing on Tuesdays (this is a Jesus thing, like Youth Group only smaller and held at someone's house and less structured), which my sister and her boyfriend invited me to.

It's been... very good. Amazing even, very promising.

I like it.

I sometimes wonder most about how God goes about blessing people, something that religious people like to discuss (a lot of on-line communities will say things like "God blessed someone in my church with a really great job promotion- but that person isn't married to their live in significant other and was drunk last weekend WHY WOULD GOD CHOOSE TO DO THIS") and while I have no disagreement God blesses the more closely you're in fellowship with Him (though it seems "blessings" may be confused with "of course you're life will seem better with more of a positive and graceful outlook") I have to wonder why I am doing so well currently despite carefree in the ~sins I choose daily without hesitation and that my faith has been months as "I would like to just be still and know, and I'm really just waiting to get home to lay down and know some more".

My job is quite amazing. As far as monetarily, yes, it is rad.
I have Koa, so for a social/love outlet I am pretty set (despite he and I enjoy arguing often- ah, young love and different personalities trying to coexist closely, these are my favorite brothers).
I have Home Group- I'd been asking God, more telling, He would have to drag me back to fellowship. And He did just that- and the first night I knew yes, this was what He wants. (I had forgotten "confirmation" was a thing- hell, I forgot A LOT about what talking about God in an unveiled or hesitant real way was like!)

I did relatively no work for these things. They all really just fell into my lap (I suppose I did have effort for Koa, but any friendship would need a show at some point in a year good gawd it's been a year!? My. But he still came in one day and we just have been since. By work I mean travel and those times I learn songs on the guitar to sing him when he's down.)

Granted, some downsides, such as Eric is out of work for a couple of months and I am still severely and almost cripplingly disconnected ("depressed", I suppose is a word for it too, but that implies sadness where I really suffer from apathy most).

I was always told God won't give unless you show effort and are willing to work.

And yet I'm real into the being still and knowing and God seemed to have sighed and come all the way to me. No tests or pressure in faith or trust, no big bang, no breaking my world as far as it will go.

No.

Just... coming over and dragging/carrying me where I, no doubt, should of been by now.

And that's nice too.
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You met me at a very strange time in my life [10 May 2013|07:08am]


I don't like people touching me.

I'm not rude, lots of people I"ve noticed are awfully touchy, hands on shoulders when moving past or hands on top of my hand when making a point or whatever. I don't recoil or scoff or react negatively- I used to be very affectionate and I know that while we all know not everyone likes that, it can be a kind of rejection and that hurts whether expected or not.

Also hugging. Everyone hugging me goodbye or hello. This I also do not disengage or show my dislike, because hugs are a show of care and I may be uninterested and disconnected but I can appreciate the gesture none the less (and again, I used to insist on hugging every person I ever came across, in introductions even instead of shaking hands I brought it in for the real thing, so I again am polite enough to avoid making the other person uncomfortable- I may actually feel guilty if I ruined it for them).

I do not like it.

Despite how much I've begun to loathe the touching I am not rude.

And when I put ID bracelets on patients, I even give them an extra "squeeze", if you will, while saying "Thank you". Something about hoping the gesture relays assurance and makes them more comfortable because no one likes being in an ER and it can be a very vulnerable and personal experience (one which I do not feel qualified to be apart of as I am there for paper work and insurance what not, the paper side of the health business versus the treating).

I don't know if because the gesture isn't exactly genuine if it counts and shows anything, but still, an effort.

I may not be connected or interested in connecting but I do not need to be rude.

Just as I am not very excited about anything. Not only could I of grown out of my past interested and passions but I have no intention of looking into others. I am unmoved by everything. And just because I seemed to have "lost" my joy in things doesn't mean that I am rude or condescending or down play others' joy and passions.

I can be apathetic, but that doesn't mean I have to be rude.

I am on the way to Dallas this afternoon to go be with Koa for the weekend. We have IM3, arcade and mini golf, and night swimming.

It's a little humorous, someone who is dead inside trying to fix my dead inside. He vaguely remembers my old super-bouncy self and he seems to quietly try and bring that back in me a little, I suppose.

I almost didn't want this dynamic anymore- Koa, I mean. He has some questionable ways of doing things with other people that I don't support and it caused me to confront him and have a serious talk and call him on some bullshit and, quite frankly, I do not enjoy such indepth talks. That's been one of the perks of our "friendship", that this wasn't something that happened.

But, alas. Apathetic but not completely careless and it seemed I was the only one that was going to point out he's being a douche and so, well, my responsibility (made more certain when his actions caused other people distress).

Honestly it wasn't even very caring or friendly. I mainly said "You're gonna need to stop that. No one likes that guy. I'm not interested in your excuses or explanations. I need you to not do that anymore. Why this is even a conversation, I don't know, but you're causing me stress and being uncomfortable and for the love of gawd can you not this bullshit anymore kthx".

So, we'll see how that goes. Or if I can avoid it, in the very least (I could not, this time, as I for whatever reason was sent anon messages through tumblr about him being a dick, somewhat bitching and warning me against getting too deep. And while normally, you'd chalk this up to a crazy or jilted hell-hath-no-fury person, this was a little too true and not at all surprising behavior bitched/warned about. So, had to be done).

It resulted in a bit of a fight between Koa and I, because he was defensive and I am no good at words and do not at all like arguments because they tend to go off on tangent after tangent after tangent (disagreeable conversations, this is what they are, because if you agreed the conversation would be 90% less to be said) and we haven't really "been the same" since.

This doesn't bother me aside from being a little concerned I was a little rude or that this is an awkward quit period before it comes back up again, because unresolved things can do that (People say "Y'know what I'm DONE talking about this lets move on" but they rarely ever mean it- they just mean for the time then they were tired of talking, not that they won't talk about it again or that it won't continue to affect the dynamic) which is uncomfortable because I really, really do not like talking.

Anyway.

I don't like people touching me, and hopefully my Koa-trip is as bland and lukewarm as I was hoping it would be.
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[03 May 2013|09:47am]
The extent of my initiating social interaction that isn't work related is calling ahead to work and asking the person I'm relieving how it looks and if they'd like anything. And when they say no sneakily bringing them something anyway- not because I'm thoughtful but the more they think I'm nice the more often when I'm coming in they don't leave me a mess to deal with, and I like that.

Oh, and proper social construct of asking about how their kids are/how whatever the damn they've insisted on telling me thats going on is going.

After that, please don't.
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[03 May 2013|09:29am]
18 hour shift (half shift at one location and my normal shift at home location) and I'm awake way too early for it.

I really need to knock out chart audits tonight. Joy.

I remember sleep. It was good stuff. My meds have a side effect of nightmares so even on off days I haven't really been sleeping well. And if its not nightmares its lack of REM.

Maybe I've been dead inside because I haven't had sleep.
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[02 May 2013|09:06am]
Work e-mails are becoming the bane of my existence.

#Every e-mail becomes a text conversation
#Maybe I mean that schedules are the bane of my existence
#I'm kind of my boss's bitch for shift coverage
#I'm ok with that because I like work and money
#Not ok with all of this talking to people I'm having to do
#And that I'm not notified/consulted on changes til the day before
#I'm happy the doctors aren't always douche bags though
#Except that one guy
#Fuck that guy
#Also that doctor who likes to talk to me a lot
#Cuz it's like
#Can you not
#Maybe how about you don't and no
#This is *my* work space you don't really need to be here
#But I rarely work with Doctor "Hi let me talk to you and sit here near you a lot"
#So it's not so bad
#Because remember I like my job for the fact I'm alone more often than not
#Except I'm being given the busy shifts now
#The over achieving is coming back to bite me
#Good news is its almost all Friday and Saturday nights
#Now I REALLY don't have to have a social life
#Hear that, people who kind of know me and invite me?
#Never again do we have to pretend
#This isn't tumblr wtf hashtags
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[29 Apr 2013|12:25pm]
"Just be yourself, let everyone else be uncomfortable"

That's Koa's top tweet. It pretty much explains why I hang around him. He doesn't mind me not talking or being worth much of anything as far as anything, really.

It's a really good tweet.

Should be a shirt.
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[28 Apr 2013|05:06am]
I also just wanted to say my least favorite thing to working in an ER (aside from how weird 12 hr shifts feel after a few nights) is drug seekers. Seriously, they drive me nuts.

Other than that I really like the locations I've worked and even though people who come in are either weird or really loud or very lazy it's been pretty alright so far.

I really enjoy all the hand sanitizer and super legit heavy duty disinfecting wipes I get to have around me at work. That's probably what i've been most ~happy with lately. Also that my paycheck is three times what I used to make. That's kind of neat too for the whole responsible adult thing.

I mostly like my job because I'm generally alone for 7-8 hours.
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[28 Apr 2013|04:39am]
Y'know mentioning the fb messages.

I'm not heartless. I'm tired. And not interested. But not heartless.

So I wonder how to tell them, does it make you fee any better if I tell you it wasn't you but it was me? Is that too it's not you its me? Because I didn't stop loving you because you weren't lovable anymore- I stopped loving you because I stopped being able to love like I had been. I was rocking a pretty solid 94% of energy into others (even though I failed often but that's the young and restless stuff like anyone makes it out before 25 unscathed) and now I'm at about a 5%. I care enough to try and see how to be as honest and clear as possible so you feel better- all I can think to say is I'm not that person anymore, so I'm not sure what to do here.

If you still wanna be around, go for it. I don't often check my phone, I'm really only on tumblr now, I've got nothin going on to talk about, I don't want to go out anywhere, I'm going to listen to you but I won't really have any response like advice or commentary on it- not because I don't care, but because I'm just so incapable of being invested in ANYTHING lately so if that's enough for you for me to come back with let me know.

Tell them it just about exhausts me to have to act normal on fb. That I don't want to go to shows or that I don't really listen to music anymore (esp not like, emery or the classic crime etc- I think when I'm in my car is the only time I'm intentionally music and even then it's turned down). The only "hobby" I have really is the working out stuff and projects with the twins (and one is because I have to and the other is because parent me will never die because that's how that works). That I didn't just lose passion or affection for people/friends, I lost it in everything I was passionate about (save the twins because again, *shrug* that doesn't stop).

Again, the more I've written the more I know this isn't so good.

...but again a little too tired to care.

I'm not even panicky or fearful anymore, either.

Just apathetic. And tired. and quiet.

An I know objectively it's bad and sounds and looks bad but- I don't feel like it is. I'm not worried or concerned or... anything, really.

Just tired.

Maybe if they just pretended I died or was in an accident and got a bad head injury they could really get that I'm just not that girl/friend anymore. No point in missing me rather than just being happy about some good back in the day times. Etc.

That sounds insensitive to people who have had loss and injury, though, but I'm running out of attention to give this solution.

Meh.
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Blame it on bad luck. [28 Apr 2013|04:26am]
So, it's been a while.

I pretty much don't talk to anyone anymore. Like any friendships I had just kind of ended with 2011.

I did that. I decided to fall off the face of the earth, cut all the ties- I just want to be alone.

So I stopped answering my phone, picked fights so they'd leave me alone, etc.

Kinda just hung around on twitter a lot. Neglected real people.

It probably wasn't the right thing (especially since I had promised never be such a douche to my friends) but meh. Was gonna go through a rough patch eventually.

I'm not really out of it yet either. I'm still depressed as fuck and I don't really care to interact or connect with people.

The Glass Can Only Spill What It Contains and I've got nothing to spill back on anyone.

Slowly trying, though. New meds, for one.

Dallas plans, also. Go be around Koa and see if I can keep getting my head closer to the surface with him around. Or not. It's whatever- I've stopped caring about curing my attitude for a while now, these efforts are just because I feel like I should. Koa is the closest thing i have to a "friend" even though I don't think we're that close with each other . But thats what I like about Dallas- no feeling or responsibility to social expectations or anything. Quiet. And I like Koa. We don't say things much and he's not interested in fucking me. I like that. Its easy and quiet and he doesn't expect anything from me. He's ok people. I don't have to talk much. I like that.

I've just kind of let it all go, is all. I won't even fake anything to make this less awkward or socially acceptable and more forgivable or worry about being judged or worrying anyone who wasn't around to notice.

I got done and if that bugged my loves, that sucks. I'm sorry. I hope you have better luck next time with someone less tired. Lets be honest, I'm pretty easy to replace and if you miss me you're only missing the idea or haven't gotten around to seeing how interchangeable I was. Trust me on this, this isn't a lack of self esteem or self confidence this is how my social relationships were. No matter how much love and closeness and bonding, it's been almost two years and whoever my friends are these days isn't who they were back then so more than likely I'd be like shoving the square peg into the circle if we tried to "get it back". Especially considering if you really, REALLY look at what being my friend meant for you, you'll notice I demanded and needed a lot and didn't really know what I was doing. Those aren't very attractive qualities, I'd hope your standards are higher now. Mine are (haha j/k I dont have any standards for friends aside from no and can you not).

I'm much less silly now. Take what is here today and when it's gone learn your lesson love your memories and let it be. I'm not very nostalgic or sentimental these days.

Did I mention I'm tired. New job new place new dynamic its been going well- that kind of time in life where everything falls really nicely and no impending doom looming over. I wake up I hang around I go to sleep. Repeat.

I still get fb messages asking if I'm "better" or "Ready to come back" and "I miss you, I miss us, lets be friends again".

No. Whoever you were friends with two years ago isn't real anymore. It's called growing up. People change. They're never any different from anyone else. They say things, they mean them, they change, they stop saying them. Etc. This is what relationships and people do- they change, and they don't last forever.

I used to be real sad about that but meh. It's fine. It's like accepting people die. This happens and you don't get to say jack about it.

Anyway. Yeah. Job, place, dynamic, Dallas- about it. Kids are rad. Stuff and other stuff. Whatever.

Btw- I got my drivers license back in mid March. Yep. A real person. School soon (cytotechnology, word up yo). Y'know. the usual progress people like to use for life markers. I've gotten nothing else going on so why not.

Dallas is in two weeks. I... guess I'm excited. It's kind of meh. Then again Iron Man 3 for my bro date with Koa, and I'm not COMPLETELY dead inside to not be a little happy about Tony Stark.

Oh, I lost 102 lbs since last July. That's been... that. I haven't had any feeling of accomplishment or self esteem or self confidence (still a fatass only now I'm melty looking so ok) so I'm pretty much just pleased with myself that hey, might of been a crappy friend and not a fun person but I'm a bit healthier and wayyy stronger than I used to be so yeah.

I pray a lot. That whole "Where you saw one set of foot prints..." isn't whats up right now though. More like I'm just sitting on the beach watching the waves like whatever and sometimes He sits with me. So even if I've lost passion or joy or active compassion I'm still somewhere in Him. That's all that matters most nights when I'm falling asleep. so. ya.


(...I know this isn't very,,,, good behavior, being so closed off. I *know* it's not but, I just can't seem to move forward yet. Maybe time heals all wounds and this is just worth a decade of time. Whatever. We'll see. I don't need to be saved and I don't want to b rescued so itll happen on my own time, on me.)
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The Searching has started. [17 Mar 2012|10:12pm]


You're my muse!
I see inspiration as its pouring out of you.
This moment envelopes me!
If there is something to believe, believe I wouldn't change a thing.
This is where we both belong, and I knew it all along!
If we both stand strong
We can reach each others arms!

Because I know that your a mystery,
and I'm searching for a clue,
and I know that I will never stop until I have solved you.
Yet all the evidence can prove, is,
All I need is you in my arms
I need you in my arms.

Cause I stumble down a road of false intentions-
Until I heard your perfection as it called me towards introspection.

You give me a reason to live
So I am here,
And here to stay.

If there is something to believe, believe I wouldnt change a thing.
This is where we both belong and I knew it all along.
But if we both stand strong
We can reach each others arms.

So I'm here to stay, stay
Because with out you who moves me-
I could never change.

So I am here.


So, finally, my brother's band released music via a video premiere last night.

At first, I was like "Aw, look at my broha rock that mic! LOOK AT HIM GO!!!"

But now I'm like "Ok, watch it one more time. Just one more" after the 50th time of watching it.

I'm happy this was the song/video they released first- it's one of my favorite tracks and totally my favorite video out of the other ones they've shot (yeah, I'm gonna do a hipster thing and say LOL I HEARD/SAW THIS FOREVER AGO, SUCKERS! because I like to have fun).

I'm amazed it's almost at 5000 views within the first 24 hours. Yeah, I probably should of had more faith but for a first video? Without having other music to of built up a fan base first? This is crazy good.

Anyway. Watch the video. And then watch it again. Get it stuck in your head because it's stupid catchy.

I'm starting to like this song without being biased on the fact it's my brother.

I dunno how I feel about that, but it's happening.
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